Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Yeah, I'm Still Here

I know it's been a while.  Sorry guys.  I can't even say I have forgotten or have been soooo busy I couldn't fit it in.  I have thought, "I need to write something on the blog."  Truth is, I've just been in a funk.  But emails are coming in, so here ya's what's been going on.

I mentioned the How We Love book I am reading in my last post.  It has really unleashed a floodgate I had not much in fact that I am getting in touch with a counselor.

I'm realizing so much about myself...why I act and react the ways I I have excused behaviors of others or tried to just overlook them and move on like a "good little Christian girl."  Yes, forgiveness is necessary, but never allowing yourself to experience the anger or hurt is not helpful!  I've pushed it down and aside for years and it's time to dig it out and replace it with truth.

Don't get me wrong...I am not in a hateful place.  Forgiving people their offenses isn't hard for me.  What is hard for me is not allowing those offenses to cause me to build up a wall.  Anything that happens, I take it in and beat myself up with it and I immediately think, "Never, never, ever do that again."  I am a giant mixed mess of avoiding, pleasing, controlling...

It's all more than I can understand or figure out at this point, and after much prayer, I am convinced that God is leading me to a professional counselor for help.  This is very humbling for me, as I have long been the person everyone else comes to for help.  If I can be used of the Lord to "help" so many others, why do I feel like I fail so miserably with myself?

And that's the problem...I feel like a so many ways.  I know it is only and totally God in me when anyone is helped by my words!

I know I have to get over these feelings and suck it up and do what needs done...and I'm gonna.  No matter how hard it is or what I have to face, I have to do it!

Things have not been all bad lately by any means.  I have been somewhat busy planning a bridal shower for a dear friend.  Her name is Toni.  I met her when I was in high school, working at the day care her two oldest sons attended. 

I started babysitting for her a lot, and we quickly became big sister/little sister.  She taught me so much.  I have watched her be a single mom for years and it thrills my heart to see her with a good man by her side.  He is a fire-fighter, paramedic, and police officer!  I expect her to be well cared for!  On top of that, he is calm, patient, gentle, and kind.

They have asked Tom to officiate their wedding ceremony, so we have entered into premarital counseling with them.  Wow!  Talk about humbling!  It makes me tremble in the fear of the Lord!  I know it's His will, but I still get blown away at what He will ask unqualified humans to do for Him!

So, the bridal shower was a success.   She smiled and felt loved and special.  I decorated my first fancy cake that Tom's mom baked and Laura helped smooth out!  It was fun.  Another creative outlet I think I could come to love!

The boys and I went through a pretty rough spell.  It wasn't really them.  It was me, being on edge with all the inner tormoil!  I wasn't effectively leading them and therefore they were very effectively slipping into bad behavior!

I'm so thankful for my husband.  What a wonderful man of God.  He lays down his life so often so that I may live.  He stepped in and helped me with way more than he should've had to and balance has come back.

I'm not crying everyday now!  I'm not so irritable I don't want to be touched.  I'm not so exhausted and sick to my stomach.  I have even gotten back to working out and finding joy in homeschooling. (Not enjoying it had never happened to me like it just did!!!  I was freaking out!)

My gal pals have sure helped me through this.  My relationships at church are growing deep and much healing is taking place in that realm.  The girls in Bible Study have listened and loved and encouraged.  And ever-faithful "daughter" has been a pillar of strength and relief to me.  (Though, at this time, I am missing Saunnie, Heather, and Andrea immensely!)

I am so blessed!  So blessed that it even makes me feel guilty that I "need" to go to a counselor and can't just "get over it."  But, I refuse to let pride or fear or shame or guilt or voices or opionions keep me from being completely free.  I come from a long line of people who don't deal with things openly, but pretend nothing happened and try to sweep it under the rug.  I want this cycle broken for my kids! 

I'm learning to take each day for what it is...not being anxious about the next.  And today was a great day.  I exercised, focusing on deep aerobic breathing...which just makes me feel amazing physically!  The boys got their school work done quickly and with minimal distraction or help!  We discussed a couple of "sisters" coming home after Thanksgiving and making new traditions on that Saturday.  We read about Advent and various aspects of Christmas here, as well as in Korea, Japan, and China because that is where we have been in our studies.  We watched a DVD for science and went to ball practice and dinner.  We watched the Madagascar special and giggled hilariously and then Biggest Loser.

It was a good, pleasant, relaxing day...with smiles and no yelling or bickering.  Ahhhh.....