Friday, April 30, 2010

What Makes All the Pain Worth It?

I'm trying to shake this.  I really am.  I am trying not to be bothered and remind myself that it doesn't matter what people think as long as I know I am in right standing before the Lord.

It hurts.  It hurts so much to be falsely accused based on someone's assumptions.  I feel like every time I make progress of getting over the hurt something else happens and it is thrown back in my face again.

Now it is published in a book!  We were left unnamed, but anyone familiar with the situation will know it is my husband and I who are being talked about.  All of it is assumption...assumption of what we said to other people...of what we did...of our motives!  And it is all false.

I wish...I SO wish my FIRST thoughts were, "God forgive them, for they know not what they have done."  But, I guess I still have a ways to go before that is my first reaction. It took me about 7 hours to get there this time.  :(

I wanted to scream!  I wanted to throw an all-out tantrum and declare my innocence! 

But God said no.  He is still telling me the same thing He told me when it was all going on..."Be still.  I am your Defender.  Do not cast your pearls before swine.  Trust Me."  

Have you ever been in a situation like this...when God commands you to be silent and wait for Him to set all things right?

And obviously by her written words she doesn't know what she has done.  She and her husband have no idea of the wake they have left behind.  She speaks of being concerned that destinies may have been thwarted because of us.  No destinies have been thwarted because God delivers and restores the humble.  But, oh my, how souls have been wounded because of their words and actions.  I guess it's easier to blame someone else than to thoroughly examine oneself and hear truth.

That entire season was such a hard time to walk through.  It nearly tore my marriage apart.  So much division and they were used as pawns in the enemy's game.  (I wonder how many of us are used by the enemy and don't realize it.  Sobering thought.)

As hard as it was, I can truly be thankful for that season.  I came to know Jesus in a way I had never known Him before!  Other humans were around me.  Other people were there and cared about me, but no one could touch the pain that I felt.  No one and nothing could make it better.  

I felt the presence of God so strongly.  I had a peace that passed human understanding.  I never doubted God's plan.  But, I hurt like I had never known before.  And in those dark days, as I fasted and cried out to Him, the Spirit said to me, "There is NOTHING that you are experiencing that I didn't go through first."

The life of Jesus flashed through my mind.  I remember it so vividly.  I saw His loneliness.  I saw how He was surrounded by people...even people that truly cared for Him, but He was experiencing a level of hurt that no one could touch or understand fully.

He cried out for God to take that bitter cup from deliver Him from the gut-wrenching agony, but then submitted to His Father's plan.

I realized in those days that I had to make the choice to do the same.  He showed me what would be thought about me.  He showed me that in the months to follow, He would reveal things to my husband that would bring us back into unity.  He showed me that my husband would go through a very hard time getting over the separation of what he hoped he had, but in the end, would realize God delivered Him from a dream and not reality.  He showed me that we had not missed Him...that He had indeed directed us there to sit under these people for a season and it was to show us what not to do.  

In the months that followed, God even moved on people to speak very specific and accurate words of knowledge to us regarding the situation, and they confirmed what He had told me.  These people did not know...could not have known except by God the details they spoke.

It has taken me a long time to begin to trust again.  Even last week, as we were called to a meeting for leadership, I nearly had an anxiety attack just because it was called leadership!  Other people that came out of the situation are in counseling and still trying to enter back into fellowship.

The effects are far-reaching...and they don't even realize.  They have their conclusions and are so certain of them that they put them in print!  It makes me tremble in fear before the Lord for them.

People can say all the "right" things.  They can say what seems to line up with the Word.  And they can still be so deceived.

For a long time I judged the motives...not in a bad way, but to the good.  I made excuses for them like, they are just young...they just don't understand...they don't mean to.  In the end, God showed me that He never called me to judge their intentions.  He tells us to judge the fruit.

The fruit was rotten too often.  I knew it for a long time.  We were accused in this book of leaving because of offense.  If this wasn't so serious, that would be laughable!  If I had left because of offense, I would have left long before I did!  No, I can definitely say we heard the voice of God and He said, now is the time.  My husband even put out a fleece.  Silently, he asked the Lord that if it were really His will that we go, then our house would sell quickly.  It sold in 5 a time when houses were not selling well.

God has blessed our move.  We have been restored and healed...raised up and even honored.  The enemy has still tried to attack, but God has protected us.  We are thriving and what we are putting our hands to is thriving.  We are not striving...not grasping at straws...not struggling to hold on or make things happen.  I believe God blesses when we obey.  

God has now set us under people that know who they are and Whose they are.  They are secure and therefore we can flourish.  Their capacity to love unconditionally is amazing.  I know I can fall flat on my face and still be loved and treasured.  It is so not about them and so all about Jesus and agape love.

Why do I share all this?  Because I know that someone is experiencing this kind of pain and loneliness write now and it makes me ache.  And I desperately want you to know that if you will fall into the arms of Jesus, He will comfort you and hold you through it and you will know Him so much more.  THAT makes it all worth it.  To experience your Savior on that level is indescribable and you will not doubt His love for you.  You will understand humility in its rawest form, and you will learn what it means to trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, mind, soul, and strength.


ZimboUSA Girl said...

Love ya Mindy - thinking of you tonight.

Mindy said...

Thanks pal :/ I know you understand pain no one can touch to make better. I think of you so often. Hugs and kisses