Finally a little time to get some thoughts out.
It's been a rough road for me lately. I don't know that I can put much of it into words even, but here's my shot because this is our family journal. Though I write a lot about my precious sons, I feel one of the greatest gifts I can give them is to let them know the inner thoughts of a woman...a wife...a mom because one day they may be called to be a husband and father...certainly a friend and brother.
This is the place that I goal to chronicle the moments that we call "life." I love to capture the happy times, but that, we know, is not all life here on this fallen planet is about.
Sure...I could simply do this in private instead of a public forum, but I know how much other women have helped me on my journey simply by letting me glimpse their reality. Maybe my reality can help another to glimpse my Hope.
I know a lot of women...
I have known women who feel the need to look like they have it all together...to not share any personal things...to even see crying as such a weakness that they hate when they do it in front of others!
I have know women who try to one-up others around them...who criticize and judge and gossip...who are so negative that it brings you down just to be in their presence.
I know women who are always grouchy, mad at the world, and never take responsibility for anything.
I know women who are nice as can be to your face...who smile and wink at you, act like they care, but want to correct your behavior when they see any flaw and tell others how they distrust you.
I know women who jump to conclusions, accuse, and assume...who lash out screaming or bite you in the back quietly to others.
I know women who air all their business and see nothing wrong with slaying their spouse and children with sharp tongues in front of an audience.
Thankfully, I also know women who have overcome all these things...who have humbled themselves, shared their biggest heartaches, and prayed with me in my own pits.
I thankfully know women who have lost babies and were resurrected into beauty from ashes...who have been cheated on and abandoned and still found the courage to trust again.
I thankfully know women who have been beaten, starved, violated, and even shot, but have found the strength to still see the good in their world.
I thankfully know women who, even though they daily battle the consequences of trauma, can still reach out in love on their strong days.
I thankfully know women of all ages from babies to elderly who have been through all kinds of things and taught many lessons to those who take the time to learn.
I am thankful to know all kinds of women...to know there are sisters in my circle that I can confide in, talk with, walk with, listen to, and lean on.
All that being said...there are different seasons of our lives that we go through and sometimes, no matter how many women you may know, your heart can seem lonely.
Ever since the houses in our neighborhood have started getting robbed (and they still are), I have been fighting depression pretty badly.
I know what triggered such fear in me is that this happened when I was ten years old. Someone came into our home while we slept and robbed us.
He did it again a year to the day later.
It has taken me YEARS to get over the fear this caused in me...to be comfortable home alone with my kids.
In one day, all the fear I remember as a child came pounding down on me when I held my crying neighbor who had her home violated in the night as she slept.
I cannot fathom having my physical body violated.
I could not help but think of all the men, women, and children this is happening to all over the world. I could not help but think of all the little children my friend Heather sees in a week in Cambodia who she knows are being violated by sexual perverts.
I could not help but think on the state of this fallen world and all that is going on. Thoughts bombarded me all hours of the day and night.
I felt helpless and hopeless to be honest.
At the same time this old wound was freshly opened, I had to walk through betrayal of people I thought were friends and the fizzling out of something that I surely thought God had started.
It has left me feeling somewhat numb and somewhat utterly sad.
To only chronicle the happy and fun moments of life would be a disservice to many women and my sons.
Life just isn't peaches and cream.
"In this world, you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world!" John 16:33
I like the Amplified version even better:
I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]
I know this is truth. Why is it so hard for me to walk out in faith?
Because my physical senses have to fight what looks to be directly contrary to it CONSTANTLY.
Anybody else struggle with this?
Boys~This life is full of all kinds of things that can hurt your soul, but I rejoice that you know that your Creator holds your heart. Nothing can separate you from His love, but you can choose to walk away. I trust that you won't. I know you have all had personal and intimate encounters with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. But I know there will come times when you question where He is...why He doesn't seem to be answering your prayers...why the whole world seems to be falling apart! It's okay. God can handle your questions, insecurities, frustrations, and fears. The key to peace is learning to run to Him when these things perplex or bombard you...not run from Him. I pray you will have strong friendships to help you in these times. I pray you will learn how to be leaders to your families in these times...and be compassionate to women in your lives even when you cannot understand their emotions!