I hate these kinds of days. They have thankfully gotten fewer and further between for me, especially in the last two months, but I still hate them.
These days I am talking about are the "migraine days." I hate them because they rob me of life. They knock me down into my bed...causing me to want to be alone, not move, not see light, not hear sound. They make me so irritable.
They make me a very bad excuse for a mother...teacher...wife...friend.
It's not just the pain of the headache either. It's the cycle that causes the cursed headache. It goes back to the stupid brain chemical levels that were thrown off when I was a child.
I don't talk about this much...mainly because it's personal...it feels vulnerable...it could bring hurt or embarrassment to others...and because people don't know what to do with it~they don't know how to respond, how to talk about it, how to understand it, how to help. It's "easier" for me and the people who thankfully don't suffer from anything like it if I just deal with it privately.
Truth is, no one can help really so it doesn't matter. It just is what it is. No one "meant" to cause it. No one meant to do anything in my environment growing up that would alter my chemical levels in my brain, but it happened.
I'm not mad at anyone. I don't hate. God and my relationship with His Son, Jesus, got me through the forgiveness issues a long time ago. But the effects still linger for me physically...and therefore mess with my sons and husband too.
Evidently, when a person is subjected to chaos for extended periods of time or a major traumatic event, it can affect and alter their brain and how it operates. People readily accept that a pancreas can be thrown out of whack and would be appalled if someone were to have insulin withheld from them to function, but when it comes to brain disorders, people don't see it the same: an organ malfunctioning.
I am doing WAAAAY better than I used to, but it only takes something happening to "jolt" me to throw me off again.
This time it has been our security alarm malfunctioning in the early morning. Husband was gone and the level of panic is indescribable.
We had the alarm put in because last year our neighbor's home was broken into in the middle of the night while the husband worked third shift. Since this also happened to us when I was 10, my husband thought having the alarm would bring me peace of mind. It has...until it malfunctioned.
Since then, I lay down at night or wake up in the night with flashbacks of the panic I felt. I have went months until now with no panic attacks or anxiety attacks. I haven't had to take any medicine. I have been doing so well. Now this.
Then, on top of that, our dog is dealing with fleas. I guess it's a problem for a lot of dogs right now since our winter did not get cold enough to freeze and kill things off. For most people this would be an annoying inconvenience, but I already deal with some OCD tendencies and some microorganism phobia...another manifestation of my altered brain chemical imbalance, so trying to keep the dog checked (and can I mention that I don't like animals and my husband usually takes care of the dog!) and keep the fleas at bay so we don't have an all-out infestation in our home, well, it all has me a tad mentally exhausted.
I know, sounds so ridiculous, doesn't it?
When I hit stress like this, I tense up terribly...especially my upper back and neck. When my muscles are tight, it then affects the rotation of my neck and the top vertebra (the atlas bone) in my neck tends to "get stuck" the doctor says. It pinches nerves that cause me to be dizzy, have pounding pain behind my eye, get migraines, and even messes up my sinuses.
I have gained ground in understanding the process of this cycle, but because I don't have a flip to switch off stress, I can't always prevent it. I can feel it coming...literally the tension creeping up my neck, but no medicine stops it. Sometimes chiropractic adjustments help, but not this time apparently.
UGH...I hate it...hate the whole stinking knot of circumstances. I hate that my intellect can KNOW everything is okay, but my flesh just responds how it will. How I wish I could turn it off.
So...that's it. That's what I deal with. That's how it rolls for me. A stupid malfunctioning alarm that most people could hear, deal with, and move on...paralyzed my "systems" and caused a chain reaction of events because my brain can't process stressful situations like a "normal" person's brain can (normal-that's funny huh?).
I hate being robbed of days. I have things to do and sons to be with. I long for this to no longer be a part of "me."
My motivation for writing about it while I am "in" it is twofold: to document for my boys what was happening on this day of our family and hopefully lend understanding later and to maybe encourage some other woman out there who might deal with "blah" days she has little control over to know she is not alone :) Hang in there for the great days!
Boys, I can only pray that when you are grown and look back on your life at home, the amazing, wonderful days far outweigh the ones where I was lying down with an ice pack on my head!